What do I do? – I ask myself this every time I get into a situation where I find myself uncertain of everything.
I was lost. I did not know what to do, how to think, what to say, and how to act. It seemed as if everything was against me. I was always procrastinating, failing my exams, arguing with my parents, and distancing myself from my friends and everybody else around me. There were times when I thought of running away or just disappearing. There were times when I imagine what it would be like if I was born into another family or if I wasn’t born at all. This was freshman year of high school- last year.
“Am I happy? Yes. Am I really happy? I think so. Am I truly happy? No, not really.” I asked myself that almost everyday for the past year and a half. The answer was always the same- No.
I have loving parents, am smart, have great friends, and do not live in poverty. However, I am not happy. I act happy. I think that I am happy. I make me believe that I am happy. I am trying to be happy.
I read the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse in school and the main character’s emotions in the beginning of the boo reminded me of me. He had loving parents, was smart, had great friends, and did not live in poverty. However, he was not happy. It may seem like he was happy on the outside, but Siddhartha (the main character) felt empty and unsatisfied with this life of his.
Everyone has their own way of achieving their happiness. However, you can’t really achieve happiness if you don’t know what you want and what you’re unhappy about.
In the movie, Seven Samurai, farmers seek out help from samurais to help them protect their village and live in peace. The farmers were poor and did not have enough food, however, they were happy because they had each other to rely on. Things turned for the worse when bandits came and stole their food, leaving them with barely anything to eat. When they realized they had to do something about it, the farmers sought to find their happiness again by finding samurais to fight off the bandits.
For me, I try my best to improve just about everything about me. I was unsatisfied with my grades (two B’s, but I’m Asian, so I need all A’s-don’t judge) so I studied more and took most of the extra credit opportunities thrown at me. I was unsatisfied with my weight, so I began to eat a healthier diet and regularly bike or run around my neighborhood. I was unsatisfied with how much I argued with my parents, so I tried to not lose my temper with them so easily and worked everything out calmly. I was unsatisfied with how my relationship with my friends was, so I tried to find things in common with them and talk to them more. I am still not truly happy, but I am getting there.
Siddhartha left behind his life of luxury to find real enlightenment. He starved himself and followed the Samanas. He disobeyed his father and left the house. He restricted himself from feeling any desire for anything. However, he let himself cave into his sexual desires and started to live with Kamala and the two have a son together. Siddhartha began to feel what he felt before- unhappiness. In Buddhism, once you reach Nirvana, you are said to have became enlightened and truly happy. In Taoism, you may find your happiness during the process by fully accepting how your life is.
Like I said before, everyone has their own way of finding their happiness. What is yours?
"Hang"-ing In There 